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formicine[Backdated to 11/11]
Blue's sitting on her bed staring at her phone.
It's been a week and a half, now, since the Purge. In her memory, half of the night is a blur, half of it horrible, vivid moments she can't shake from her head. Watching Alec struggling to breathe under Magnus' hands with them both trying desperately to turn it back; the way the ground had opened up, the demons and the violence on the ground. She can barely remember making her way from the city to Harley and Effy's, or that she'd stopped in Cabeswater, but the 10 seconds she thought that the way she was going to die on Purge night was by Ellie shooting her seem like an hour. For some reason, remembering the solid, empty dead bodies of that night always takes her to sitting between the mirrors in the attic holding Persephone in her arms, and she's been doing her best to not think about it. To instead think of the cats, the coffee, the next thing she has to do.
There's another body those casualties of Purge Night recall her to. It's been five days now since they defeated -- since Gansey defeated the Unmaker. Lying there, blue-lipped and unGansey, still and horrible. Since Noah had torn off his necklace, since she and Ronan and Adam had sat around him and reached to Cabeswater to plead no, you can't, take what you need from us. Without a thought for what that might mean or who it could affect.
Since she'd reached, treelike into Cabeswater and soaked up that power so opposite to her own, reflecting outward, and kissed it back into Gansey's lips, desperate and hopeful. Hoping, hoping that it this wasn't like the first time some version of her had kissed Gansey.
It's been enough time to relive it, enough time to not think about it, enough time to justify it and that panic as understandable. Enough time to think about what she might have given up besides, apparently, allowing Noah solidity, or boosting Magnus' powers.
She should have wanted to run to Ellie. She has, so often, felt so comfortable just driving around with her or flopping on the couch until she wants to talk about what's in her mind. But she's finding that every time she's too busy to warrant texting her, or calling, she's relieved, instead of annoyed. It's been a week since they almost died together, and despite being on edge that something will happen to her and Blue won't know, despite how nauseous she feels over her own thoughts, she doesn't want to see Ellie.
She stares at her phone. And then she texts her. Hey. Can we talk about stuff? In person.
Blue's sitting on her bed staring at her phone.
It's been a week and a half, now, since the Purge. In her memory, half of the night is a blur, half of it horrible, vivid moments she can't shake from her head. Watching Alec struggling to breathe under Magnus' hands with them both trying desperately to turn it back; the way the ground had opened up, the demons and the violence on the ground. She can barely remember making her way from the city to Harley and Effy's, or that she'd stopped in Cabeswater, but the 10 seconds she thought that the way she was going to die on Purge night was by Ellie shooting her seem like an hour. For some reason, remembering the solid, empty dead bodies of that night always takes her to sitting between the mirrors in the attic holding Persephone in her arms, and she's been doing her best to not think about it. To instead think of the cats, the coffee, the next thing she has to do.
There's another body those casualties of Purge Night recall her to. It's been five days now since they defeated -- since Gansey defeated the Unmaker. Lying there, blue-lipped and unGansey, still and horrible. Since Noah had torn off his necklace, since she and Ronan and Adam had sat around him and reached to Cabeswater to plead no, you can't, take what you need from us. Without a thought for what that might mean or who it could affect.
Since she'd reached, treelike into Cabeswater and soaked up that power so opposite to her own, reflecting outward, and kissed it back into Gansey's lips, desperate and hopeful. Hoping, hoping that it this wasn't like the first time some version of her had kissed Gansey.
It's been enough time to relive it, enough time to not think about it, enough time to justify it and that panic as understandable. Enough time to think about what she might have given up besides, apparently, allowing Noah solidity, or boosting Magnus' powers.
She should have wanted to run to Ellie. She has, so often, felt so comfortable just driving around with her or flopping on the couch until she wants to talk about what's in her mind. But she's finding that every time she's too busy to warrant texting her, or calling, she's relieved, instead of annoyed. It's been a week since they almost died together, and despite being on edge that something will happen to her and Blue won't know, despite how nauseous she feels over her own thoughts, she doesn't want to see Ellie.
She stares at her phone. And then she texts her. Hey. Can we talk about stuff? In person.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-13 11:59 pm (UTC)For some reason, that's what actually spills the tears over, the fact that Ellie understands, and she shoves it away. She hates crying, and this isn't meant to make her look like some victim.
"Just," she agrees miserably, and tucks her feet under her, balanced on the arm of the chair. "I. It's not about choosing one of you, you know?" She chances a glance up at Ellie. She's never had to be in a situation where Ellie was dead, so maybe it's a little bit bullshit, but she thinks that she'd be just as frantic. "I -- " Maybe it isn't the right time to say I love you. Maybe that just makes it worse. It doesn't make it untrue, or if it's not true, it feels like it's true.
"You're so important to me," she says instead. Fuck, Ellie's been her first everything, beyond "kissing someone to try out the action of it". Noah and she had smooshy feelings, maybe, but it had been so much about him never getting to kiss someone again and her not being able to kill him. Her first kiss. Her first girlfriend, longterm any relationship. Her first anything physical.
This fucking sucks. She stares at her hands. It would be so easy to apologize, wouldn't it? To swear this was a one-off. She thinks about that time they stood on top of that broken down roller coaster, laughing. This feels like the fall down the slope.
"I just. Think maybe I've been treating that like it's enough. Because I want it to be enough, and you make me happy. But you deserve someone whose head isn't in two places. I -- " Blue shakes her head and glances up at Ellie again, and past her. "I want to be the kind of person who's all in, and who makes you realize how important you are, and I don't think I'm doing that."
It didn't even touch how shaken up she still was by the Purge, but that's not as important as the stuff that's been going on for months now. Maybe if she was better for Ellie, she wouldn't be as shaken by it, she thinks.
no subject
Date: 2017-12-15 11:46 pm (UTC)And she couldn't even get used to that because she'd been right all along. Everything would burn the fuck down. Somehow, the Purge hadn't lasted, but one day something would.
"Kind of sounds like it is about choosing," Ellie said, digging her heel into the unyielding floor, looking down at it because Blue was crying and she didn't know how to deal with that. She was more comfortable shooting someone than comforting them, how fucked up was that?
no subject
Date: 2017-12-16 12:17 am (UTC)"It's not, I'm not -- just picking him over you," she starts, petulant and defensive, and stops. There's no reason Ellie should believe her. And she knows there are plenty of people here who could have pledged their love unyieldingly to both, if Ellie had wanted that, which she wouldn't, Blue thinks, and Blue doesn't think she does either. Maybe back home, some future her that isn't her. Maybe that her can be a part of something like that, anyway, like Gansey had said, something building between him and her and Henry. But that's not what she wants. She mostly thinks right now she's not good at this. For anyone.
This what she does. She falls a little in love with everyone, the girl who thought she'd never fall in love with anyone. Sometimes it's easy, like Noah, like Adam, where it's love but not the kind that wants to kiss anyone, just the kind that isn't anyone without them. Sometimes it's not and no matter what you do about it it feels like your guts are being scraped out because someone gets hurt.
And it doesn't matter what her good intentions are, she's fucked it up here.
"It's not -- I could just have done that, if that's what I wanted. I didn't. I don't."
no subject
Date: 2018-01-02 04:09 am (UTC)It wouldn't so hideously and awkwardly complicated that she wasn't even sure what she should be arguing for.
"I mean, do you even know?"
no subject
Date: 2018-01-04 04:00 am (UTC)But then she keeps going and she finds herself getting a little angry. "Do I know what, who I would choose if I had to? That's fucked up, Ellie. I can't choose not to have thoughts. I'm not with Gansey, I'm not like -- fucking Gansey or something. I'm with you, no matter how complicated that is. That is a choice I made." She can still remember screaming at Ronan; it's still something that hasn't been totally forgiven, and now it feels like the whole thing was some sort of ridiculous farce.
"I can't choose not to have feelings. Hell, Gansey came straight from a place where I was dating him, and he never even asked me to choose like that." She can feel tears pricking her eyes, but this time they're angry tears and she can't even help it.