ellie

Nov. 12th, 2017 04:33 pm
formicine: blue (as played by fo porter) looking down, cheeks red and face scrunched like she's been crying (down)
[personal profile] formicine
[Backdated to 11/11]

Blue's sitting on her bed staring at her phone.

It's been a week and a half, now, since the Purge. In her memory, half of the night is a blur, half of it horrible, vivid moments she can't shake from her head. Watching Alec struggling to breathe under Magnus' hands with them both trying desperately to turn it back; the way the ground had opened up, the demons and the violence on the ground. She can barely remember making her way from the city to Harley and Effy's, or that she'd stopped in Cabeswater, but the 10 seconds she thought that the way she was going to die on Purge night was by Ellie shooting her seem like an hour. For some reason, remembering the solid, empty dead bodies of that night always takes her to sitting between the mirrors in the attic holding Persephone in her arms, and she's been doing her best to not think about it. To instead think of the cats, the coffee, the next thing she has to do.

There's another body those casualties of Purge Night recall her to. It's been five days now since they defeated -- since Gansey defeated the Unmaker. Lying there, blue-lipped and unGansey, still and horrible. Since Noah had torn off his necklace, since she and Ronan and Adam had sat around him and reached to Cabeswater to plead no, you can't, take what you need from us. Without a thought for what that might mean or who it could affect.

Since she'd reached, treelike into Cabeswater and soaked up that power so opposite to her own, reflecting outward, and kissed it back into Gansey's lips, desperate and hopeful. Hoping, hoping that it this wasn't like the first time some version of her had kissed Gansey.

It's been enough time to relive it, enough time to not think about it, enough time to justify it and that panic as understandable. Enough time to think about what she might have given up besides, apparently, allowing Noah solidity, or boosting Magnus' powers.

She should have wanted to run to Ellie. She has, so often, felt so comfortable just driving around with her or flopping on the couch until she wants to talk about what's in her mind. But she's finding that every time she's too busy to warrant texting her, or calling, she's relieved, instead of annoyed. It's been a week since they almost died together, and despite being on edge that something will happen to her and Blue won't know, despite how nauseous she feels over her own thoughts, she doesn't want to see Ellie.

She stares at her phone. And then she texts her. Hey. Can we talk about stuff? In person.

Date: 2017-11-14 09:44 pm (UTC)
and_survive: (come at me bro)
From: [personal profile] and_survive
A week and a half since the city decided it wanted to become the kind of place she remembered. Just... turn into it, for a night, no cordyceps to blame. Not even one of the various other cataclysms she'd heard about. Just because they could.

The crazier part was that everything had just come right. The second siren had sounded; everyone had gone back to more or less normal, it was just that now she knew that there were people here who would turn that way if given the chance.

But then, she'd always known that. She wasn't quite in the same category, but there were things she'd do if pushed. She'd known that already, too. But knowing wasn't the same as doing. But you did what you had to. Endure and survive, always, fucking endure and survive.

And now she was staring at a message on her phone that also seemed threatening, or at least ominous. She'd been here for years. People didn't do in person for minor stuff. Hell, she didn't.

Well, last week she'd killed people, again, so whatever. She'd deal. I'll come over.

Date: 2017-11-18 12:40 am (UTC)
and_survive: (come at me bro)
From: [personal profile] and_survive
Generally, she'd found the whole converted warehouse thing kind of neat, it had a kind of cool to it. After the Purge, though, she couldn't help looking at it with fresh eyes, or maybe old ones, and compare it to how people had lived back in her world. Where sleeping in warehouses wasn't charming but necessary. She found herself resenting the building a little, like it was playacting.

Which was dumb, because it wasn't like Blue and her friends hadn't been in the shit.

Nonetheless, she sat in the car maybe a minute longer than she needed to, kicked the truck's door closed on her way past rather than just close it. Tried whistling and gave up after a couple of lacklustre, unenthusiastic notes that were probably worse than not having bothered at all. Headed on up.

Date: 2017-11-21 08:02 am (UTC)
and_survive: ([pb] lean sad)
From: [personal profile] and_survive
She wasn't sure what this was, exactly, and consequently wasn't sure how to behave, either. Was it just catching up? Just seeing how everything was? It felt more fraught than that, but maybe that was just her, just the Purge reminding her that everything would eventually go to hell.

That the Purge had turned out to be as temporary as advertised might have been an argument against, but she couldn't help but look at it more as a preview.

"'s okay," she said, shrugging a shoulder, drifting closer while deliberately leaving a space in case Blue wanted a space. "Everyone's had a lot to deal with, I think."

Except, in a way, she hadn't. Some bodies to deal with, which had been new, not just leaving them where they lay and moving on. But the fact of the bodies, of how they'd gotten that way, that was just something that happened. Sometimes it worried her. Sometimes it didn't.

Date: 2017-11-29 08:26 am (UTC)
and_survive: ([pb] doubt)
From: [personal profile] and_survive
It wasn't what she expected. It was, for half a second, almost prosaic, almost some kind of bizarre relief, in a way she couldn't or simply wasn't prepared to examine. It wasn't the inevitable descent of the world into a place where you killed or were killed, it wasn't a world ravaged by an infection laced through her own self. It wasn't an immunity she didn't know what to do with, here, didn't know what to do with back home, either.

She could at least know how to respond. Be angry, be upset.

Except then Blue said demon and Cabeswater and it was more complicated than that, because it always fucking was.

"You- what?" she said, not sure what part of this she was asking after. Not sure if the parts went together or not.

Well, except Blue and Gansey. Those were parts that went together, you just had to have fucking eyes, and not lie to yourself. But Ellie had gotten pretty good at that part. She could keep it up for a long while. Maybe not a forever while, though, not yet.

"And you just- what. Got caught up in the fucking moment?"

Date: 2017-12-07 07:24 am (UTC)
and_survive: ([pb] lean real talk)
From: [personal profile] and_survive
A demon didn't explain everything fucked up with Darrow, she didn't think, not even in the last month. Or, hell, maybe it did. Maybe the Purge was because of that, rather than because that kind of chaos was natural for people.

She didn't really think so, though.

Still, it was a thing she didn't understand. Gansey couldn't be dead, because he was clearly alive. Except Noah was dead, too, so who the fuck knew. It just made her feel ever more out of her depth, like she'd found herself somewhere she wasn't meant to be. Which was a dumb thing to be concerned about, when people were dead and demons were destroying things. Everything just went towards making her mad at not having a handle on it.

"And what, the magic fucking forest thing wanted you to make out?"

Date: 2017-12-13 07:35 am (UTC)
and_survive: ([pb] sweats)
From: [personal profile] and_survive
she flexed the fingers of her right hand, avoided looking down at her arm. A sacrifice of the special things, of the powers. The only thing special about Ellie was that she was immune to cordyceps. Would she give that up to save someone?

Once she would have been able to say she would have. Easily. Now, though... she didn't know what she would have done. Maybe that was the problem. Blue would give up all of this for Gansey; Ellie didn't know what she'd give up for Blue. She'd kill to protect her, sure, but fuck, killing was easy. Living was the hard part.

"And now he's alive again," Ellie said. "I mean- shit. I can't be against that, of course I'm not against that. You fight for every second you can. Just..."

She didn't even know what the next part was. What any of this was. She couldn't just throw a nail bomb at whatever this was. She'd never been great at this. At staying or leaving, or knowing which was the thing to do.

Date: 2017-12-15 11:46 pm (UTC)
and_survive: ([pb] held back)
From: [personal profile] and_survive
She knew it was a thing some people did, the not-choosing, that for some people it didn't resolve down to just one person, all the time. But she was just getting used to the idea of one person, of being somewhere where maybe things didn't just burn down all the time.

And she couldn't even get used to that because she'd been right all along. Everything would burn the fuck down. Somehow, the Purge hadn't lasted, but one day something would.

"Kind of sounds like it is about choosing," Ellie said, digging her heel into the unyielding floor, looking down at it because Blue was crying and she didn't know how to deal with that. She was more comfortable shooting someone than comforting them, how fucked up was that?

Date: 2018-01-02 04:09 am (UTC)
and_survive: (come at me bro)
From: [personal profile] and_survive
"Well- shit, maybe you should," Ellie said, a quick burst, because that almost seemed as if it would be easier. If Blue would just decide she was going to be with Gansey, then Ellie could be mad about that and it would be done, and settled.

It wouldn't so hideously and awkwardly complicated that she wasn't even sure what she should be arguing for.

"I mean, do you even know?"

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