[for kat]

[formicine]

Blue has never been much for birthday parties. This year, thinking about who she'd even invite if she had one just seems like a recipe for throwing a notebook at the wall or crying in the kitchen, but it also seems like a year to celebrate making it through -- for Kat, too, honestly. With a few weeks left before school starts, weather muggy but getting cooler and breezy, it seems like a good time to just relax.

She'd texted Kat as the birthday girl, i have decreed that we're treating ourselves with a picture of a couple bottles of rose she'd then brought home, and every intent to order absolute trash food and the most ridiculous that Filmfix has to offer and get cuddles.

Comments

[swerved]

"Oh my god, I'm about to embarrass myself so much," Kat says, her own head tipping back as she lets out a self-deprecating laugh. There's plenty she misses in terms of movies and TV and music, but when it comes to what actually feels like home, it's a somewhat different thing, both amusing and embarrassing, though she really doesn't think Blue will actually judge her. They've all got their things, and it's hardly some kind of secret. Even if it were, Blue is someone that she would tell. Aside from Marcus, there's not really anyone else here who knows as much about her as Blue does, and besides, living together has probably made apparent a lot more humiliating things about her than the music that most feels like home.

"Nerdy classical shit, mostly. The ballets I used to listen to or want to do or did parts of. There was other music I liked, or listened to more, but if we're really talking about what feels like home, or what I'd have the strongest reaction to, or whatever... That's it." She shrugs, the motion slight enough not to dislodge Blue's head from her arm. "It's the same with that as everything else, too. Sometimes I can track something down, other times I can't, and sometimes I find really weird shit that's just from here in the process."

At least some of it is actually good. Not every movie is a Squid or a Camp Counselor Massacre. Some music sounds almost like it could have been plucked from the world she came from. Mostly, she just can't think too hard about it, when this place's history makes no sense.

[formicine]

Blue raises an eyebrow, curious about what guilty pleasure she's about to find out about, and when Kat explains herself, she furrows her brow, shaking her head. If she were some popular or particularly trend-savvy person, maybe loving classical music would be embarrassing, but as it is it's just endearing, Kat's love of dance as bold in her as Gansey's journals and miniature towns.

"No, no, that's beautiful," she says, maybe a bit more emphatic from the rose but if anything, just more honest, and she lifts her head to look at Kat intently. "You shouldn't be embarrassed about that! If you love something, you should -- love it, you know? It's me. How could I judge you for that."

She pauses for a moment in that, caught, and smiles, self-conscious.

"I've never seen a ballet," she says, softly. "Except on TV, I guess, PBS. But nothing real."

[swerved]

Kat isn't so sure she would consider it beautiful, but it's about the best sort of reaction she could have hoped for. Like Blue said, it's her, so she wouldn't really have expected to be judged or made fun of for it. Even so, it still feels a little silly, though it's not something that can be helped. Ballet was such a huge part of her life, just about the only thing she ever wanted to do, before she lost that option. Of course the music associated with it is what would strike the deepest chord with her, maybe all the more so now that it's part of something she can't have anymore. It's the one piece that can't be taken from her.

Besides, though she loves plenty of contemporary shit, too, she's pretty sure no one writes like Tchaikovsky.

"When I was a kid, we went to The Nutcracker every year around Christmas," she says, just a little wistful. "I think that was probably what started it, you know, the thing that made me want to do that." It feels impossibly far-off now, like it's hard to believe there was ever a time she didn't want that. Reaching over for her glass, she takes a sip of her drink, and as she sets it back down again, she asks, "What about you? The thing that would feel like home to watch or listen to."

[formicine]

"That sounds so nice," Blue says. It's almost as foreign as her dreams of the Amazon, the idea of seeing a ballet every year. She's sure that there are ballets somewhere -- Charlottesville if not anything closer -- , but Henrietta is much too small to sustain one, and they hadn't even always had a car, much less been able to afford tickets and the gas to drive an hour or more to see theater.

She's not even entirely sure Henrietta had had ballet lessons, although she hadn't been exactly the sort of girl to want them. Doesn't mean she didn't like the idea of watching.

"Hmm," she says. "When I was little, I used to want to be Ellie Satler. You know, from Jurassic Park?" She's not sure that's home, exactly, but it is something deep in her heart. "Taking care of triceratops and studying berries. I watched it over and over, on some old VHS. Even though it terrified me. The music always got to me, too."

She smiles, a little embarrassed. "Home was always a crazy mashup of music. Folk rock and international and whatever top 40 Orla wanted to listen to and hippie stuff. My mom really loved Fleetwood Mac, though. I remember lying on the floor as a kid listening to Rhiannon."

Thinking back, it should be less weird that her dad is a Welsh tree-mage her mother summoned for fun, probably.

[swerved]

"Laura Dern and Stevie Nicks doesn't sound half-bad to me," Kat says with a lopsided smile. Neither was exactly a staple of her childhood, but she's come to have serious appreciation for both. Knowing Blue, it's easy to imagine, too, something she might not have immediately guessed offhand but that makes perfect sense now that she's been told. It gives her an idea, too, her expression brightening when she thinks of it. "We should see if we can find Jurassic Park somewhere. I mean, I bet Darrow's got some weird knockoff version, but all sorts of stuff turns up sometimes. That would make for a good movie night."

As always, she's sure it will be completely unreliable, but it isn't as if they never get any media from home. It seems at least worth looking into, a nice bit of nostalgia for the two of them. Jurassic Park might not have been one of her favorites like it was Blue's, but it's still a damn good movie.

[formicine]

Blue smiles, oddly glad that Kat approves of her choices, and it widens when Kat suggests they look for Jurassic Park. "Yes! We totally should," she agrees, enthused and pleased. "Or, you know, Cretaceous Camp, or whatever they have here. But maybe it'll turn up. We can make it a scavenger hunt."

"Oh, and we should look for some Tchaikovsky and you can tell me about the story in the music. Absolutely. It's a date."

She smiles at her own phrasing and takes a sip of her wine, glancing over at the rom com on the TV. "I mean, you know."

[swerved]

"Cretaceous Camp, holy shit," Kat says, unable to help the delighted laugh that escapes her at the thought. That probably is what it would be called, the same sort of comical, almost-but-not-quite name that applies to so much else in Darrow. She hopes they'll be able to dig up the real movie somehow, but if they can't, Darrow's inevitable knockoff is bound to be pretty hilarious. Such things usually are. "I say we find that, or whatever they're calling it, regardless. I bet it's ridiculous."

She grins at the thought, leaning back against the couch. "And if we can find any Tchaikovsky, or any good ballets, I will definitely tell you the story."

[formicine]

Blue laughs, both amused at her own stupid joke and delighted that it got a real laugh out of Kat. "Yes, definitely. I can't even imagine what the Darrow twist would be. God." She grins.

"Good," she says, curling up next to her, one arm across the back of the couch and head resting on it thoughtfully. "Hey, so, will you tell me if I'm out of line, if I say something? There was this thing made me think of you the other day and I ...don't want to not tell you."

[swerved]

"Sure, yeah, I'll tell you," Kat says, though she's not particularly worried about that being the case. She and Blue have known each other long enough and well enough that it's hard to imagine that being an issue, or if it does seem out of line, she'd know better than to get upset over it, certain it would be well-meant. Rather than concerned, she's mostly curious just what it is that made Blue think of her and that would require such a disclaimer.

"What is it?"

[formicine]

Kat seems almost amused, or at least curious, by her hesitancy, and Blue's not entirely sure she needs to be careful, she just -- doesn't want to go around prying into everyone's business.

That's what she does, though. She'd blame it on being the scion of a psychic family, but it's more her own impatience and curiosity. She pries. She turns things over. Especially when it comes to people she also wants to know everything about, and oh, she hasn't really thought about it like that before, but there it is.

"At the gym, there's been this girl coming in to do like -- strength training? Physical therapy, flexibility, that kind of stuff," she says, and waves her glass a little. "I guess I noticed because it was a little different than some of the other workouts, so I talked to her a little, and, she's a dancer."

Her cheeks feel hot, which is stupid, and she sets her head on her arm and looks up at Kat. "She had her whole kneecap removed last year, and she has to do a ton of PT but she's going back to dancing. And -- well, I couldn't help but think of you. That maybe there are ways even if it's not, you know, lead ballerina--" Blue trails off, hopefully and also self-conscious.


[OOC: Lol this is SO LATE. SO LATE. I would completely understand if you need to drop this thread, though I would like more Kat and Blue soon -- maybe talking about demons, bleh? -- if so!]

[swerved]

Kat is quiet for a moment — not upset, and very deliberately so, but just introspective, turning that over in her head. On one hand, it probably ought to be common sense. People have had bad injuries and come back from them before. She knows herself, too, and her defeatist tendencies. With her first injury, the car accident, she was convinced without ever trying to do otherwise that her career was over and everything she'd worked for had been rendered obsolete. She thinks that is, in part, why she reacted to the second one the way she did. She'd just started to feel something resembling hopeful again, and then lost it in the span of seconds. The first, there might have been a chance she could come back from, but a second, there just couldn't be any way. She never even let herself consider it.

She's still hesitant to now, but she likes the idea, the thought behind it. "I miss it," she admits, because certainly, there can't be any harm in that. "Even though it feels like forever ago now..."

With a lopsided little smile, she adds, "And you're not out of line, I promise."

[formicine]

Blue watches Kat's reaction -- she doesn't look upset, and it makes sense that she'd be thoughtful, and lets herself try to settle in her head while Kat mulls it. She smiles, though, a little relieved, when Kat assures her she's not out of line.

"I'm sure it does," she says, nodding. "And I think it's good that it's not who you are, in a way? That no one thing is, for either of us, I mean. But I can tell you miss it, the way you talk sometimes, and I just --"

She returns the sideways smile. "I want you to be happy, whether that means dancing or not, you know?"

[swerved]

If she's honest with herself, Kat isn't actually sure what that would look like for her. Not in a super depressing way — she's moved out of that phase, at least — but just in a straightforward way. She had one thing she loved for all her life, one path she pursued. Even if she had the work done that would be needed to make it possible to dance again, she doesn't know if she could ever get back to where she was. Doing it purely as a hobby might help, but she's had such a hard time finding something she wants to do in the absence of dance, not sure what might satisfy her the same way.

Then, of course, she can't help but wonder if she's selfish for wanting that at all when so many people don't get that; they just get jobs to get by. Maybe she doesn't need a calling. It's hard, though, to go from having one to not.

"Yeah, I get you," she says, smile still in place. "I think I'll always miss it, too. No matter what happens, you know? There'll always be that... might have been."