At the same time Blue apologizes, I laugh. It's not a happy sound, all harsh-edged, but it feels better than nodding soberly. "I'm beginning to think I never should have started," I say. My body is a map of grief and loss now. I can't look in the mirror without being reminded. Once upon a time, that used to comfort me.

But I've never felt as personally betrayed by a loss as this one now.

"I'm tired," I say. Tired of feeling, of thinking, of losing.