Ellie could have been against that, it wouldn't have been something Blue would have been particularly angry about her holding against Blue. It was a fucked up thing to do, to not even think of what Ellie might think or might lose if she offered anything to some magic forest.
For some reason, that's what actually spills the tears over, the fact that Ellie understands, and she shoves it away. She hates crying, and this isn't meant to make her look like some victim.
"Just," she agrees miserably, and tucks her feet under her, balanced on the arm of the chair. "I. It's not about choosing one of you, you know?" She chances a glance up at Ellie. She's never had to be in a situation where Ellie was dead, so maybe it's a little bit bullshit, but she thinks that she'd be just as frantic. "I -- " Maybe it isn't the right time to say I love you. Maybe that just makes it worse. It doesn't make it untrue, or if it's not true, it feels like it's true.
"You're so important to me," she says instead. Fuck, Ellie's been her first everything, beyond "kissing someone to try out the action of it". Noah and she had smooshy feelings, maybe, but it had been so much about him never getting to kiss someone again and her not being able to kill him. Her first kiss. Her first girlfriend, longterm any relationship. Her first anything physical.
This fucking sucks. She stares at her hands. It would be so easy to apologize, wouldn't it? To swear this was a one-off. She thinks about that time they stood on top of that broken down roller coaster, laughing. This feels like the fall down the slope.
"I just. Think maybe I've been treating that like it's enough. Because I want it to be enough, and you make me happy. But you deserve someone whose head isn't in two places. I -- " Blue shakes her head and glances up at Ellie again, and past her. "I want to be the kind of person who's all in, and who makes you realize how important you are, and I don't think I'm doing that."
It didn't even touch how shaken up she still was by the Purge, but that's not as important as the stuff that's been going on for months now. Maybe if she was better for Ellie, she wouldn't be as shaken by it, she thinks.
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For some reason, that's what actually spills the tears over, the fact that Ellie understands, and she shoves it away. She hates crying, and this isn't meant to make her look like some victim.
"Just," she agrees miserably, and tucks her feet under her, balanced on the arm of the chair. "I. It's not about choosing one of you, you know?" She chances a glance up at Ellie. She's never had to be in a situation where Ellie was dead, so maybe it's a little bit bullshit, but she thinks that she'd be just as frantic. "I -- " Maybe it isn't the right time to say I love you. Maybe that just makes it worse. It doesn't make it untrue, or if it's not true, it feels like it's true.
"You're so important to me," she says instead. Fuck, Ellie's been her first everything, beyond "kissing someone to try out the action of it". Noah and she had smooshy feelings, maybe, but it had been so much about him never getting to kiss someone again and her not being able to kill him. Her first kiss. Her first girlfriend, longterm any relationship. Her first anything physical.
This fucking sucks. She stares at her hands. It would be so easy to apologize, wouldn't it? To swear this was a one-off. She thinks about that time they stood on top of that broken down roller coaster, laughing. This feels like the fall down the slope.
"I just. Think maybe I've been treating that like it's enough. Because I want it to be enough, and you make me happy. But you deserve someone whose head isn't in two places. I -- " Blue shakes her head and glances up at Ellie again, and past her. "I want to be the kind of person who's all in, and who makes you realize how important you are, and I don't think I'm doing that."
It didn't even touch how shaken up she still was by the Purge, but that's not as important as the stuff that's been going on for months now. Maybe if she was better for Ellie, she wouldn't be as shaken by it, she thinks.